Lord of the Pickles
by bardvahalla
Summary: House and Chase treat a group of bizarrely afflicted men in the clinc.And then learn they are in desperate peril as well...


**Lord of the Pickles**

**By BV/Mrs H**

Setting: Hospital Clinic

Dr. House: _(Bored, frustrated and snarky)_

Boils. Upset tummies. Ingrown toenails and a woman who thinks her gray hair is a result of eating too many Dove bars. Could this day get any more boring?

_(Enter Dr. Chase with a stack of files. He is visibly upset)_

Dr. Chase: _(trembling)_ House… you better have a look at these guys.

Dr. House: _(depressed) _Ah, what now? A bunch of soccer players who've played in pesticide covered grass like last week. Inflamed, rash-ridden manly nether regions again? What fun!

Dr. Chase: _(Sweating in fear)_ We're not sure if it's some sort of epidemic…. Please… just please…

I've never seen anything like this.

Dr.House: I've never seen rash ridden soccer players cry like women, either. I'm going to be scarred for life. So what the hell is going on?

_(They approach a door)_

Dr. Chase: Just please don't make any stupid comments. Despite their condition they seem to be a rough bunch.

_(They enter)_

_Dr. House walks in and stares in open jawed amazement. _

_Inside the room there are four very short males with slightly pointed ears, a slightly taller bearded fellow with an ax in his hand, a tall fair blonde with a quiver of arrows, a scruffy man in leathers and a dinted crown, a older man in flowing white robes and a bearded man stuck full of arrows._

_ALL of them in the latter stages of pregnancy._

Dr. House: ….the hell-?

Dr. Chase: It seemed to be some sort of unexplainable male pregnancy phenomena.

Dr. House: _(pulling himself together)_ clears throat

Hey guys…. I'm Dr. Greg House.

Aragorn: _(bowing, but not far due to his condition)_

I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn. We are the Fellowship of the Ring as chosen by Elrond the Halfeven, son of-

_(Aragorn gets a nudge from Sam)_

er…. I too am a healer, … and King of Gondor, but I know not exactly how this came to pass.

Dr. House: _(brightly) _I know not how you guys are going to pass either, but I recommend an epidural when the time comes.

Gimli: Do you have any pickles, laddie?

Dr. Chase: _(Eying Gimli's ax) _Can you tell us how you ALL became … um…

Dr. House: _(bluntly) _Knocked up?

Legolas _(glancing in concern at his swelling feet) _It matters not. We know you cannot help us, even in this House of Healing. No one can help us.

Frodo: We have come to warn you. You and your fandom are in grave peril. It's only a matter of time.

Sam: It's those ruddy fangirls and their ruddy mpregs, innit, Mr. Frodo?! It's them who's dun this! Poor Rosie is all in a state, and me gaffer won't even talk to me. Called me a slut, didn't he, Mr. Frodo?

Boromir: They even mpregged me, and I'm DEAD!

Dr. House: Em preg?

Merry: The fanfic writers! It was them! Well not all of them, o'course, it's only some o' them are mpreggers but still! Well… LOOK AT US!!

Pippin: _(tries to cuddle Merry) _It's all right, Merry, I'm going to take care of you.

Merry: _(losing it) _Oh would you, shut up! Fool of a Took! It's Boromir's kid, not yours! Just shut up!

_(Pippin starts to cry)_

Gandalf: _(taken aback) _I thought it was mine! Merry Brandybuck, you slut!

Dr. House: _(Rubbing his temples) _What are you saying? Are you saying that what's happened to all of you is … is going to happen here too?

Gandalf: _(still miffed at Merry) _It's inevitable, I'm afraid. The mpreg writers are an unstoppable force. One day you simply wake up with a craving for raw potatoes and baklava and the next thing you know the DNA test will point to Dr. Chase over there as the father and then- well… then the medical explanations, the painful delivery and the overwhelming angst just get very ugly.

Frodo: _(Rubbing his swollen belly) _We just wanted to pop by, and give you a heads up.

Dr. Chase: _(Shaken) _It's… not… medically… possible…

It can't happen HERE. It just CAN'T!!!

Dr. House: _(Popping Vicodin like candy)_ There must be something we can do to prevent it. I- I'll think of something.

Gimli: Well. We best be off. Apologies for being the bearers of bad tidings, healer.

_(The fellowship files outs)_

_(Long - long silence Chase and House look at each other, varying degrees of disgust on their faces.)_

_(Boromir pops back in.)_

Boromir: Look, while I'm here, can you do something about these bloody arrows?


End file.
